.Hmmm.

"We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It's easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven't even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else."

From Killing Yourself to Live by Chuck Klosterman

.Hope.

Dear Universe,

Christmas is approaching but good spirits are not. Well, tequila has been visiting quite regularly and when it does, I'm quite merry but...oh Universe, where is my spicy chai gingerbread fairy light santa hat feeling that I'm supposed to get?! It was the same last year: it crept in like a lover well after bed-time, sheepish and drunk and then left me before reaching its accustomed zenith. It is no exaggeration to say that it breaks my heart to think that the usual Christmas ecstasy is a thing of the past, a thing of youth. Oh I know that I am still 'young' as it were but I think that this is the year that I started becoming an adult (though I will always be a child!).

I'm alright, Universe. Which is awful, as you know. 'Alright' has never been good enough for me. As usual I want conflicting things: I'd like some drama in my life, something to challenge me and make me feel but at the same time, I want things to be simple and... oh come on, woman, that's bull shit and you know it! I take it back, Universe, I take it back! How dull would life be if things were simple! Fuck it, you have my permission to go crazy! Send me love, Universe! I think I could take it (finally). Send me experiences! More, I haven't had enough even though I'd had a lot. Send me more funny moments and coincidences and cute boys to objectify! Send me heart-to-hearts over ice-cream, and shots on a school night! Send me courage, Universe! Send me the courage to keep smiling, to take care of myself, to push myself, to dare....

I'm alright, Universe, but I don't want to be alright. I want to feel electric all the time. I want to stop regrets. I want to be confetti-me, not awkward, scratchy-me. Give me strength to hope, Universe. You know, I've never asked for this before but I think it would be a good time for a Christmas miracle. That would be lovely to see, even if it wasn't for me.

Yours hopefully,
Alexia